While enjoying a pleasant Saturday off from work, my fiance and I decided to purchase a "mix six" of beer at the local party store. As we were looking through the various choices Laura asked if I had sampled one of the beers before. I replied that I had, because I remembered the name and label, but that I did not remember if it was good or not. I have had hundreds of different beers in my life, but lately have become frustrated with not having properly cataloged them, either on paper or in my mind. Hmmmmm...
Most beer reviews seem to focus on the aroma, color, feel (huh?) and taste of the beer and then proceed to give the beer a numeric rating or letter grade. I am going to mix it up by describing the beer's type, who makes it, what it cost, a general description, a rating (1-10) and most importantly the beer's place in the world and what it says about the drinker . Without further ado, the first installment of Proctor's Type beer reviews:
Who: Left Handed Brewing Company (Longmont, CO)
What: Stranger American Pale Ale
Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: This beer justifies its name as a Stranger. It is different from your typical APA in terms of being less hoppy (36 IBU) and having a rather low ABV (5.0). There really isn't anything special in terms of taste. This beer would be the equivalent of meeting a stranger who seems cool at first but then starts standing too close to you and creeping you out.
Rating: 5/10
Social Standing: Throw on a tan T and some Eddie Bauer jeans, get in your Subaru and grab a 6 pack of Stranger. You are drinking beer from Colorado now! Plus you can always make a lame joke about whether or not you can drink it with your right hand.
Who: Anderson Valley Brewing Company (Mendocino, CA)
What: Barney Flat's Oatmeal Stout
Cost: 1.99 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: Legit. This dude is thick, dark and delicious (first time I have typed that sentence in at least a couple of weeks). At first Laura was a little freaked by some sediment floating around but after one taste we agreed this was the beer of the day. ABV is a mild 5.7% with 13 IBUs.
Rating:9/10
Social Standing: Dear Guinness, GTFOH. I'm a real Stout and am drank by real men.
Sincerely,
Barney Flatt's Oatmeal Stout
Who: Erie Brewing (Erie, PA)
What: Railbender Ale
Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: This is a Scottish style ale with some serious kick (6.8% ABV). Although I have never been a big fan of the genre, I can say this is one of the better Scottish style ales I have had. There wasn't a really strong alcohol taste and the hops were low (26 IBU) which is normal. This was the last beer I drank and it went down quick and smooth.
Rating:7/10
Social Standing: I had never had or heard of Erie Brewing company prior to having this. Buying this can either make you look like a true beer connoisseur or a jackass who bought it to look special at a party. Honestly, I really liked the name Railbender because it reminded me of the year I spent hopping trains.
Who: Magic Hat Brewing Company(Burlington, Vermont)
What: Blind Faith IPA
Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: I was hesitant to purchase a beer made by Magic Hat considering my intense hatred for number 9. This IPA is part of their "IPA on tour" campaign in which they feature a new IPA every month. Needless to say, my faith has been restored in Magic Hat. In general, IPAs are my favorite type of beer and I was hoping this one made the grade. Unfortunately this IPA lacked some of the intense aroma and flavor I have grown to love. The beer isn't bad though, it just isn't special. Typical IPA stats (6.2% ABV, 60 IBU)
Rating:6/10
Social Standing: I cannot wait for a 19 year old sorority sister Magic Hat number 9 drinker to drink this. Oh look, its Magic Hat! Cool!" Next thing you know, her perfect life will be turned upside down! hahahahahahahaha Not what you were expecting was it?!? hahahahahahahahaha
Who: Bard's(New York)
What: Gold
Cost: 2.49 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: This beer is apparently "Gluten Free", whatever that means. I must be a fan of Gluten because this beer sucks! Plus it was the most expensive of the 6 pack, which pisses me off even more. I cannot describe how terrible it is. I guess the next time I see a beer described as "The Original Sorghum Malt beer", I will know to stay away. This trick didn't even work:
Rating:1/10
Social Standing: If you are a leader of a gluten-free or sorghum movement you could invite your friends and family over for a poker night called "Bard's and Cards". Just don't expect many people to show up.
Who: Left Handed Brewing Company (Longmont, CO)
What: Sawtooth Ale
Cost:: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description: Laura really liked this one (check the picture). LHBC calls this ESB their flagship brew and with good reason. This beer is a beautiful amber color and has an exceptional bitter but not too bitter flavor. This would be a great beer to drink if you were planning on the 6-8 beer total. Also the label art was done by someone but I instantly dismissed the name from my brain and haven't bothered to go back and check.
Rating:8/10
Social Standing: Drinking Sawtooth is very different than drinking the Stranger (as described above). By drinking the LHBC's flagship beer you are saying to the world that you are beer savvy but not too adventurous. You know what you like and you don't really need to try much else. You also love missionary sex and plain glazed doughnuts.
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